One Puzzle Piece

 Ever since I can remember, I've had anxiety. I was told that I just had an "overly-sensitive" spirit and a kind heart, but I knew better. While being sensitive and having a kind heart are good things, I knew this was something deeper. From the age of 10 I had this deep, dark sense of worthlessness. My parents tried to give me the best life they could, but it wasn't enough. Not even growing up in another culture (which I loved) helped to ease the darkness that was swallowing me whole.

There's a saying in Japan where I grew up called gamman. It means doing your best no matter what and never giving up. But that's the cheery version. In my head, it was: "Keep trying until you break. And when you break, pick up the pieces and start over again." When the Columbine tragedy happened, I began hallucinating that there were bloody gunmen sitting on the edge of my bed. I never spoke of these things to my parents because I wanted them to be happy. But I was at my breaking point. And this time I would not be able to pick up the pieces and start over.

When I was 15 and we came back to the States, I finally told a doctor what was going on. 6 medications and 4 hospitalizations later. I am stable enough to live in my own apartment. It has been a roller coaster ride of 15 years. But I'm hoping that getting a service dog will help slow down that roller coaster. The video says:

"Hi! My name is Sarah. I love to read, write, watch movies, and travel. I am a strong, quiet person. I don't like to ask for help. But my anxiety is getting worse... I barely leave my apartment. Getting a service dog would open up my world. Please help me make that dream come true! Share or donate today! Thanks for watching!

Vacation in Paradise

I'm currently on vacation and it feels good. I get to do all the things that I wouldn't normally do. For the first time in years, I got to take a real bath. I forget what it's like to be around normal people and do normal things. We've gone to a flea market, played cards, and took care of an 8-month-old baby. My girlfriend's family has been really nice and open with me.

Maybe after this I'll feel more centered. I've been feeling stuck inside my apartment's walls, even though I'm really not. It's just that whatever I want to do takes planning and has to fit inside my aide's schedules. I hate having that constriction (Is that even a word?). Being around a baby has made me want one even more, which is bad news for my girlfriend and my hormones. Hopefully the upcoming activities will help distract me.

"Excuse me, Sir."

I get that a lot. Whether I'm outside taking a walk or in a restaurant, I get mistaken for a man. I'm not a girly girl. I don't have earrings, I don't paint my nails, and I don't wear makeup. I actually think it's quite funny when someone mistakes me for a man. I don't get offended by it. But my ability to laugh toff the confusion wasn't always there. Like most girls, I struggled with body and self-image. The difference was how I dealt with it. I kept everything inside and told no one. Self harm came easy to me. I never left any scars, so there is no evidence of it.

When I was in my teens, there was a woman who came to work with my family. She was fresh out of California and always told everyone to shut up (when she was surprised by something). By now my self harm had gotten to be almost daily, and I was drowning in my own pain. We got to be pretty close, and I learned a great deal from her. But the most important and beautiful thing came when she decided to chop off all her hair. That was the greatest lesson in “beauty on the inside” that I've ever seen.

Up until then I was dumb enough to believe that beauty was on the outside. I did my nails, and my mom spent many tortured hours doing my hair. I had always hated the beauty rituals, but believed they were necessary. Now I knew they weren't. Of course the change for me didn't happen overnight. I still painted my nails for a few years (the guy who did my nails was really good!), and I didn't chop all my hair off until I got to college. But that chopping her hair off was a defining moment for me. Slowly, I began to appreciate myself. I began to see myself for the beautiful human being I am today.  

Simon

This is Simon. He represents everything good about my life as an MK. He was given to me on my 10th birthday by a friend's mom. I guess she didn't want me to feel left out because it was my friend's birthday. We often celebrated our birthdays together because we were only two weeks apart. My family and I lived in a suburban area on the southernmost island. I was an only child for thirteen years, and I was isolated and socially awkward. This family accepted me as one of their own. We met when were seven, and I bonded with the older boy quickly. The younger one I teased mercilessly, which I regret to some extent.

We watched endless hours of Star Trek episodes. We watched The Princess Bride. We geeked out over our favorite books. We played board games.  We spent holidays together. They showed me cool new games on their Mac computer. We shared our love of Japan, and moaned over homeschooling. I wonder who on the mission field thought I was going to marry the oldest one? When my family moved to the States, we kind of lost touch for awhile. But it didn't matter. When the oldest one came from Tokyo to visit me while I was in Japan, it was as if we'd never left. I will cherish those memories forever; they are like my brothers.

Man, I miss them.

Why I Left the Church

Again, I don't how to start this post. Again, I have no hard feelings against anyone who chooses to walk away. That is my disclaimer. Growing up as a missionary kid in Japan, I was expected to go to church every Sunday (itchy dresses and all). I loved the community aspect of church. I was surrounded by adults, because most Japanese kids didn't go to church. It didn't matter much. We got to share our lives, and build each other up

When I got to America, I was saddened by what I saw. Churches were deeply divided by opinions and gossip. People acted no differently in the church than they did outside it. Church was not a community, it was a status symbol. Everything was governed by ritual, not by faith. I'm not saying there are no decent Christians; there are plenty. I'm not saying all churches are bad either. I'm just saying that the mainstream approach to the Christian faith for the majority of people gave me culture shock. I didn't like that feeling.

For the next few years, I scrambled to find a place where I fit. I was a Sparks Leader for three years. I thoroughly enjoyed working with the kids, but that didn't help me much. I was consistently being given unspoken cues that I didn't dress right, eat right, and my opinions didn't matter. Most of the times the people who were giving me these cues didn't know they were doing it. And I didn't speak up. So perhaps it was partly my fault. Whatever happened, it made me question my faith and withdraw even more.

Then, a miracle happened. I found community with a group of differently-abled kids who I loved. I didn't have to work hard to be their friend. They accepted me completely and wholly. Of course I did not tell them everything, and maybe I should have. But everything changed when the accessible van started to break down. My Sunday School teacher looked at me and said, “You're too heavy for me to put in to my car.” My heart broke and a knife went through me. I was a burden, and that was my last attempt at going to church. I was done.

Since then, it's been a journey to find healing. I'm not going to go into my religious beliefs here now because I believe that is the one thing that is most sacred and personal. But I will say that I am a more tolerant, open-minded person. I celebrate Channukah with with my Jewish friends and Ramadan and Eid with my Muslim ones. And I'm finally at peace.

Housing Troubles

I'm frustrated beyond belief right now. The apartment complex that I'm supposed to move in to won't supply the necessary letter to Medicaid. Without it, I can't get my ceiling track lift installed. So I am back to square one with this one. I'm too tired to fight, or maybe too disgusted. So Plan B is waiting and saving up for a house. I can't say I'm okay with that, but I have to be. I have to move on to happier things.

The Kid Conundrum

My hormones have been acting crazy lately. All I can think about is having kids. And by “having” them I mean adopting. I choose adopting because nothing is coming out of me either way. And why have your own child when there are so many out there who need loving families? I know the cost scares some people, and a lot of adoptive kids with troubled pasts (not all, of course).

I have an honest question for my readers : Why is adoption not the automatic choice for people who want to start a family? I don't mean to step on people's toes, I'm just genuinely curious. I've also been watching too much TLC. I see these couples who want their “perfect” kid, and if something goes wrong, they act as if the world's going to end. If you have a kid, love them and take your responsibility to raise them as decent people seriously. If you can't, give that responsibility to someone else who can. I always hate to see kids who are stuck because their parents won't take responsibility. Anyway, the rant is over.

I want kids so much it hurts. Of course, I'm not in a stable enough situation financially to offer anything right now. But that doesn't make the desire go away. I've had good and bad experiences with kids. I remember being at a birthday party once and enjoying myself immensely with these three kids. Then the three-year-old spilled juice on me, and the mother panicked. She kept those kids away from me for the rest of the day. That is something I will never forget, even though she probably didn't realize what she did. I have a disability, I'm not made of porcelain.

Luckily, I have friends who don't mind their kids being around me. I'm very grateful for that. But it always comes back to my raging hormones. I've thought about volunteering with kids, but an opportunity hasn't come up yet. What am I supposed to do with my raging hormones til then?