Why I Left the Church

Again, I don't how to start this post. Again, I have no hard feelings against anyone who chooses to walk away. That is my disclaimer. Growing up as a missionary kid in Japan, I was expected to go to church every Sunday (itchy dresses and all). I loved the community aspect of church. I was surrounded by adults, because most Japanese kids didn't go to church. It didn't matter much. We got to share our lives, and build each other up

When I got to America, I was saddened by what I saw. Churches were deeply divided by opinions and gossip. People acted no differently in the church than they did outside it. Church was not a community, it was a status symbol. Everything was governed by ritual, not by faith. I'm not saying there are no decent Christians; there are plenty. I'm not saying all churches are bad either. I'm just saying that the mainstream approach to the Christian faith for the majority of people gave me culture shock. I didn't like that feeling.

For the next few years, I scrambled to find a place where I fit. I was a Sparks Leader for three years. I thoroughly enjoyed working with the kids, but that didn't help me much. I was consistently being given unspoken cues that I didn't dress right, eat right, and my opinions didn't matter. Most of the times the people who were giving me these cues didn't know they were doing it. And I didn't speak up. So perhaps it was partly my fault. Whatever happened, it made me question my faith and withdraw even more.

Then, a miracle happened. I found community with a group of differently-abled kids who I loved. I didn't have to work hard to be their friend. They accepted me completely and wholly. Of course I did not tell them everything, and maybe I should have. But everything changed when the accessible van started to break down. My Sunday School teacher looked at me and said, “You're too heavy for me to put in to my car.” My heart broke and a knife went through me. I was a burden, and that was my last attempt at going to church. I was done.

Since then, it's been a journey to find healing. I'm not going to go into my religious beliefs here now because I believe that is the one thing that is most sacred and personal. But I will say that I am a more tolerant, open-minded person. I celebrate Channukah with with my Jewish friends and Ramadan and Eid with my Muslim ones. And I'm finally at peace.